Major depression and anxiety in October 2007 changed my life. Taking the MBSR program from January-March 2008 changed my life. The fast pace of life-- caring husband, 2 beautiful daughters- and all of their needs, wonderful career working with the chronically ill and trying to meet everyone's needs and expectations- and always planning for the future, left me totally physically and emotionally depleted to the point where i was totally not functional. Life brings a lot of twists and turns that a person with type A personality tries to forsee and solve but when the depression and the anxiety hit, I was left with despair, loss of hope and not having any of my strengths to pull from. I had spent every ounce of my own reserves on everyone else BUT me. THIS is where my life begins!
After practicing meditation with the MBSR program, so many insghts about myself that i had never realized or gave any notice or weight to was bubbling up like a volcano and suppressing it was not going to help it but letting go was terrifying! I remember Bob Stahl-- a wonderful man and teacher of life-- saying to feel the feelings. I thought he was NUTS! Feel the pain??? what do you mean. The pain is what i am trying to get rid of! Bob, in his ever present ways, just looked at me and walked away. AND NOW HE'S Leaving??? sigh! This is futile, i say to myself but I sensed Bob's ever present wisdom without words and tried it... I first resisted and that just made things unbearable! Then i allowed myself to feel into the feelings without judgement and without analysis. What happened next is something i had never experienced... i STARTED to FEEL. Feeling any emotion became real; I became real; I realized that I need to be in touch with myself; This starts with me. Something i had been avoiding all my life. Since then, i'm eager to FEEL the emotions and to "be" with it...
Using the mindfulness in every day life has been difficult at times to do throughout the day but i'm trying. When i do, i see everything much more vividly. There are so many colors that i see that i had never looked up to see before. always driving from one place to another and accomplishing things while waiting for the next thing to do. just today, i was noticing again how the hill side of where my house is in Almaden valley is SO vividly green and i can see the definition of every tree on that hillside. Something in the 4 years that i had never taken the time to look at and enjoy! I enjoy seeing the beautiful scenery.
I still have my moments of thinking about possible illnesses that me or my family or friends may face but I have learned to acknowledge the feelings around my thoughts and continue in the present-- which for me is a wonderful place to be. I am learning to love myself and take care of myself and that itself is enough for now.
Om peace amen