elishagoldstein

Pema Chodrons Quote on Difficult People

Elisha Goldstein — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 16:21:00 GMT

There is a new tradition starting today on the Mindfulness and Psychotherapy Blog. Every Monday I'm going to cite a quote or a poem that is related to mindfulness and psychotherapy in some way and then explore it a bit and how it is relevant to our lives. For me, quotes and poetry can often sink me into a state of greater understanding.

Here is today's quote from the blog post 10 Quotes for a Mindful Day

"If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher." Pema Chodron

Sure, it's happened to me. I was driving on the road enroute to the office to see a patient and it seemed like everyone on the road was fleeing from some oncoming catastrophe that was about to hit at any moment (including me). One guy sped by me, cutting me off and was inches away from hitting me. "Hey," I yelled hoping this guy gets in an accident to teach him a lesson. I felt the anger burning in my heart and mind.

I noticed my muscles tense and my hands white knuckling it on the steering wheel. "Wait a minute," I thought "I don't know this guy; I don't know the issues he's dealing with right now. He's obviously in a place of unawareness or maybe even anxiousness. Maybe he actually is running or going to some catastrophe."

I began to wish him well, safe from harm and from accident. I knew that if he actually was well, he wouldn't be driving that recklessly and everyone, including him, would be safer on the road. So I had no qualms about wishing him well.

In this way, this man became my teacher, helping me understand that I don't need to react so aggressively in my mind (or my behaviors). I can acknowledge my anger and still try and put myself in another's shoes for the purpose of gaining perspective. It even helps me to wish another well as I know there are so many in pain and who are suffering and it's often from a place of auto-pilot and unawareness where unskillful actions arise.

I could have easily been "driven crazy" from this man's actions. But instead he became a teacher for me.

In some instances of abuse and trauma, this may be a very difficult practice to do. That is ok; we don't need to do it with the most difficult people in our lives. We can start with people who are little less triggering.

Who in your life drives you bananas? Can you put yourself in their shoes, seeing their pain, and begin wishing the well (knowing that if they were well then that would benefit you and many others?) What does this teach you about yourself?

As always, please share your thoughts, stories, and questions below. Your interactions provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

* Originally posted on Psychcentral.com

Monday's Mindful Quote: Waltor Landor on Happiness

Elisha Goldstein — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:58:00 GMT

Welcome to Monday's Mindful Quote. This is a new tradition at theMindfulness and Psychotherapy Blog. Every Monday I'm going to cite a quote or a poem that is related to mindfulness and psychotherapy in some way and then explore it a bit and how it is relevant to our lives. For me, quotes and poetry can often sink me into a state of greater understanding.

Here is a quote by Waltor Landor:

"As soon as we wish to be happier, we are no longer happy."

How true this is. We are a culture driven by the motto, more is better. If we turn on the television or glance over at the magazines at the checkout line in any grocery store, we see the sensational "bling" and the "more" we are looking for. Our minds automatically say, "If I just had a bigger house, a partner, more money, a snowcone, etc... then I'd be happy."

Author and renowned mindfulness teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh says, "There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way."

Landor's quote echoes a millennia of teachings that say, as soon as we are reaching or grasping for something that is outside of this present moment, we get the sense that what we are or have is less than adequate in this moment. Our contentment drifts away and so does the potential for happiness right now.

For example, we could be feeling quite content in the moment and then see the car we've been wanting drive by with the thought, "Ahh, I'd feel better if I had that car." Immediately, we are no longer content with the way things are. Our situation hasn't changed at all, just a thought of "wanting or needing more" than we current have has drifted into our minds, followed by feelings of discontent.

What to do: With an attitude of curiosity and nonjudgment, we can notice when this is happening and recognize it as a habitual reaction our minds get caught up in. We can also notice the feeling that comes along with it (i.e, despair) and if possible. This is the conditioned interaction between your thoughts, emotions, and body.

You don't have to buy into it, but just become aware of it. When you're aware of it, you can bring yourself back to the now and recognize that you likely have all you need and in fact, you are likely better off than most on this planet.

Then: Choose to list 5 things you are grateful for in your life in that moment. See what happens. You may not be aware enough to do this each time, but beginning to plant this seed can pave a path toward greater freedom and happiness.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories, and questions below. Your interaction provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Originally published on Psychcentral.com

Distressed Kids? Try Using Dr. Charlotte Reznick's Imagery

Elisha Goldstein — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:52:00 GMT

Often times in my blogs I'm writing about working with adolescents and adults, but in working with children, imagery can be incredibly helpful. One of the best child educators and Educational Psychologists I know that uses imagery with children is Dr. Charlotte Reznick. In her new book, The Power of Your Child's Imagination: How to Transform Stress and Anxiety into Joy and Success, she lays out 9 tools to help kids deal with issues such as stress reduction, overcoming fears of abandonment and disasters, dealing with bedtime issues, coping with losses, handling anger, and achieving greater success in creative ventures at work and home.

One of the tools she uses to help kids calm themselves is the balloon breath. Here's how it works:

What it is: Just like some of the mindfulness practices I have laid out in previous blogs, this is a simple technique of breathing slowly and deeply into the belly while paying attention about two inches below the belly button. The child imagines a balloon blowing up and then deflating. This imagery allows the child to better practice this type of diaphragmatic breathing which often centers and calms children.

Dr. Reznick explains how kids use it:

"Fifteen-year-old Terrance, who was frequently upset, was able to calm himself and reduce his stress from an 8 to a 2 (on a 0 to 10 scale) by practicing his balloon breath several times a day. He found it made him feel especially peaceful when he focused his attention on his heart."

In school, children are taught about English, math, history, and many more didactic topics. However, some of the fundamental concepts of learning how to become more present and calm are often left out. I am so happy that Dr. Reznick is helping fill this gap as it can set a more solid foundation for these children as they grow and develop with the necessary tools to help regulate themselves during difficult times.

In her book she provides a script to work with the children, tips for troubleshooting and real life examples to help guide us. To learn more about these tools, you can go to Imagery for Kids and check it out for yourself.

What tools do you find helpful to work with kids or pre-teens during difficult times? Please share your thoughts, questions, and stories. What you write below provides a living wisdom for everyone who comes here to benefit from.

*Originally posted at Psychcentral.com

Mondays Mindful Quote: Thich Nhat Hanh

Elisha Goldstein — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:37:00 GMT

Welcome back to the Monday's Mindful Quote. If you are new to this, here's the concept behind it. Every Monday I'm going to cite a quote or a poem that is related to mindfulness and psychotherapy in some way and then explore it a bit and how it is relevant to our lives. For me, quotes and poetry can often sink me into a state of greater understanding.

Here's is a quote from the blog post 10 Quotes for a Mindful Day by the influential author and mindfulness teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh:

"There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way."

It can sometimes seem like we are on a lifetime quest to achieve happiness. "Once I find my soul mate, then I'll be happy" or "If I get that promotion, then I'll be happy" or "Once I'm making this or that income, then I'll be happy." Woven within the mere thought itself is a sense of being "less than" you want to be and therefore makes you less happy than you were before that thought even arrived.

Some might argue that it's not the conditions of our lives that make us happy (although some can certainly help at times), it's the way we relate to ourselves and our lives that provide the happiness. It's the way we walk through life.

In other words, we're always practicing something. If we spend our time wrestling with negative, excessive worrying, or hopeless thoughts, we're practicing unhappiness. If we spend our time noticing and acknowledging these unhelpful habits of the mind, without judgment, we can then choose to turn our attention to matters that walk in line with greater happiness and sense of peace.

In the realm of behavioral therapy, a therapist might say, "what would you be doing differently if you were happy?" Some people might answer, "I'd be smiling more" or "I'd be riding my bike" or "I'd be spending giving more to others." Then the response from the therapist would be, "now let's put these into action."

Sometimes we need to put our feet in front of our heads and then our thoughts and emotions will follow.

Try: What would you do if you were happy or what have you done when you've been happy? Write these things down and begin practicing them. Don't take my word for it, try it yourself and see what happens.

Please share your thoughts, stories, and questions below. Your interaction here provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

*Originally posted at Psychcentral.com

Mondays Mindful Quote: Jon Kabat-Zinn

Elisha Goldstein — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Here is today's quote that Christy Matta, MA reminded us of in her comment from the blog post

10 Quotes for a Mindful Day

"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

In everyday life we are guaranteed to have things rise and fall all the time. At one point someone we know is having a baby and close to the same time someone is passing away. Someone is getting married, while another couple is getting a divorce. During a certain phase of life this may seem like the worst time that will ever be and two months later something wonderful happens.

Everyone has ups and downs, sometimes seemingly more extreme than others. To make this more specific to mental health issues. If someone is struggling with Panic Disorder, the panic attacks have an initial lift of the wave, peak, and then eventually come down. Cravings and urges for addictive behaviors follow the same course as well as compulsions for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Those struggling with bipolar disorder certainly understand the rise and fall of these waves.

The distress comes up as waves of sensations coming and going. Our work is to learn how to surf them so that we come to acknowledge the wave when it is there, become present to it, and now have the choice to get on the board and ride it out with a greater sense of ease and grace.

The late Richard Carson, author of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and it's all Small Stuff, had a chapter that I always appreciate that was titled "Be Grateful for the Good Times and Graceful during the more Difficult Times." In The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran speaks about how all our emotions are always present, it's just that when depression is there, happiness is slumbering and when happiness is there, depression is slumbering.

Life seems to have the element of rising and falling like waves in the ocean. One way to learn how to surf is by engaging in mindfulness practices. You can do a number of things to learn more about this and integrate it more into your daily life.

Stay tuned and look at past posts of the Mindfulness & Psychotherapy Blog
Google Mindfulness programs in your area and attend to check them out
Purchase Guided Mindfulness Meditation CDs or programs
Follow the Mindful Living twitter feed
Go onto Youtube and see what guided practices they have there to follow, but look up the person to see if this is someone you want to receive guidance from.

What helps you to surf the inevitable tides of life? As always, share your thoughts, stories, and questions below. Your interactions provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Originally posted on Psychcentral.com

Can Mental Practice Improve Your Performance?

Elisha Goldstein — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 19:23:00 GMT

Ever dream that you would ace that presentation or that you would actually feel better and confident with people? Results from a comprehensive study by Feltz and Landers in 1983 indicated that we can actually significantly improve our performance on a variety of tasks through visualization and mental practice. The researchers found that people can improve in areas such as sports, academia, social situations, or even musical instruments. Since this time many professional athletes have been engaging in this practice.

Here's how you can try.

Choose a task - Choose some task or skill you'd like to improve. This could be shooting hoops, talking in front of people, or refraining from overeating when the desserts are all over the table.
Visualize - take a moment to close your eyes and visualize this scenario, really picture yourself there.
Rehearse - Really practice performing whatever this task is with great diligence, mentally rehearsing it and imagining yourself doing this well with great skill. Do this for at least 5 minutes a day.
Review - Once in a while check in to see if your performance is improving.

Trust your own experience.

As always, share your thoughts, stories, and questions here. Your interaction provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

* Originally Posted on Psychcentral.com

Can Blogs Really Help?

Elisha Goldstein — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:18:00 GMT

Recently I was contacted by a reader relaying her concern that people are in so much pain that how can a blog really help? This question is worth an exploration as if you're reading this blog; it is likely that you or someone you know has really been suffering. Do blogs really help?

Blogs are certainly not meant to be the sole source of healing in relation to suffering. If you or someone you love is suffering from severe anxiety, depression, addiction, or trauma it is important to either seek support from a community of understanding people (e.g., Alcoholics Anonymous, trauma groups, Life Ring) and if possible, get the help of a skilled therapist and/or psychiatrist.

With that said, blogs and online communities can be a piece of a person's recovery plan.

To read the rest of this blog, click here

If you want to get started with cultivating more mindfulness in our life, click here

New Year Mindful Healing Vblog

Elisha Goldstein — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:45:00 GMT

Hello everyone,

Happy New Year! Join Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. this week as he briefly discusses a recent study that suggests how coming to our senses can help us with every day stress, improved mood, and our relationships. He provides us with a practice that we can do right now and any time during the day to help us out with this.

Also, feel free to comment below on any insights or quesitons you have in your own life with coming to your senses or with this practice. You have a living wisdom that can be a benefit to so many others.

May you be healthy, happy, safe, and successful in this new year!

[Go to the site to view embedded media]

Cultivating, what many call, an antidote to fear

Elisha Goldstein — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:05:00 GMT

During this holiday season, it's not a question of whether stress will build, but when and how much. In turn, for most of us, when stress and tension builds, our patience for ourselves and others tends to wane. We talk to ourselves in a way we would never speak to another friend. We call ourselves "stupid", "fat", "lazy", "a failure", "incompetent", and so many other discouraging words. As our minds spin these thoughts, most of the time without awareness, a whole cycle ensues between our physical bodies, emotions, and behavior. When calling ourselves "a failure" or "incompetent" we may notice our bodies feeling more tired, and emotions of shame, guilt, or sadness rising, along with behaviors of procrastination or isolation.

Many of us feel like being kind to ourselves and each other is something that should just come naturally. However, the fact is, we need to actually practice being kind to ourselves. So how do we change these old habitual patterns of treating ourselves so poorly?

Here is how to do it:

Phrases - Choose a set of phrases that you would genuinely wish for yourself and for people you care about. These are not phrases that are affirmations; these are things you hope for yourself. Examples are, May I be safe, May I be healthy, May I be at ease, May I be happy.
Breath - Start by sitting or lying down, bring your attention to your breath to begin to anchor you to the present moment. You can say to yourself "in" as the breath comes in, and "out" as the breath goes out.
Loved one - Choose someone you really care about. This could be a person or an animal. Imagine them sitting there with you and say these phrases to them. See if you can drop down into the meaning and intention behind the phrases.
Yourself - With this same feeling and intention direct these phrases to yourself.
Neutral Person - Then imagine a person you are not that connected with, a check out person at the grocery market, someone that is just an acquaitence, or a stranger.
Difficult Person - Then bring to mind someone you are having difficulty with. It's not necessary to choose someone who was involved in your deepest trauma, start off with someone who is challenging in your life.
Community - Spread your intentions and phrases out to the entire community around you and then the world.

Most importantly, don't take my word for it, try it for yourselves. This is a practice that works against fear and self hate. This is a practice toward self-healing. As you practice, see if you can approach the practice each time without expectations, as if you are practicing again for the very first time.

We can also bring this practice less formally into our day to day lives. For example, when you're struggling, instead of sending yourself messages of how awful this feeling is and how you wish you were someone else at that moment, practice acknowledging this feeling as it is (e.g. fear, sadness, anger), practice dropping into the meaning of these phrases and sending yourself kindness which is what you need in that moment. You might even imagine hugging yourself in that moment.

When on the freeway and someone cuts you off, instead of calling them a �moron', which only gets us more upset. While you don't condone the act of him cutting you off, you might be aware how that person is suffering right now and unaware of how his actions might be risky to himself and others. See if you can send him phrases like �May you be at ease', �May you be safe'. In essence, if he were �at ease' and �safe' he likely wouldn't be cutting anyone off. This helps relieve you of heading into a cycle of frustration and anger which doesn't do anything to him, and only hurts you. Again, don't take my word for it, practice it yourself.

As always, feel free to comment below and share your own experience with being kind to yourself. Your questions and life experience is living wisdom for us all to share.

A poem about making change - Portia Nelson

Elisha Goldstein — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:41:00 GMT

In the spirit of how we all go about realizing how to make a change in our lives, Portia Nelson's poem says it really well. As baby's we first poop and then realize it, soon we feel it coming, but still poop. In time, we feel it coming, and sometimes make it to the toilet and other times not. Soon enough, we can feel the trigger of it and make it to the toilet on time. Much is the same for us as adults in uncovering our habitual ways of dealing with life, and how some land us in the pothole until, over time, we realize we are resposible for walking down that street and choose not to walk down that street anymore.

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AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Aliveworld good for your brain?

Elisha Goldstein — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Dr. Gary Small is a professor and researcher at the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior at UCLA. Recently he has been conducting research that suggests that challenging yourself by doing searches and interacting online shows an increase in activity in the area of the brain that has to do with complex thinking and decision making. To keep the mind sharp as we get older, many suggest doing crossword puzzles or Sudoku. The idea here is to simply do something that is challenging for the brain, but still do-able. At any age, when interacting with Aliveguides and Change Projects in Aliveworld, we have to learn a new medium, so we are challenging our brains and keeping them sharp. At the same time we are receiving pertinent learning and interaction with teachers and peers to get the support we need for create real change. This new research may point to Aliveworld being good 'Mental Floss'. Keep challenging your brain with Aliveworld. As always, please feel free to comment below on how you challenge your brain. We all hold wisdom and questions to share, feel free to write them below (note: you will need to be signed in to comment below).

Mindfullly smile your way toward feeling good!

Elisha Goldstein — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:57:00 GMT

When my wife came home the other day and told me she received two comments from strangers thanking her for smiling it really made me reflect on the mental, physical, and social benefits of smiling.

Smiling has been shown to attract people, be contagious, reduce muscle tension in the face and body, lower blood pressure, increase endorphins and serotonin.

During this difficult political and economic times, we might actually become more aware of the positioning of our face during the day. Try and smile from time to time. Sometimes if you really don't feel like smiling, try putting a pencil or pen between th teeth and just doing a half-smile for a bit as an experiment. How does it make your face and mood feel?

Try it today! Try and be aware of smiling today as an experiment, notice its effects on your own mood and others. Please share below your experiences in the past or present with smiling. We all have wisdom to learn from one another (tip: you need to be signed in to comment below)

The trick behind motivating to exercise

Elisha Goldstein — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:41:00 GMT

60% of rarely exercise and most of us don't at all. That is really amazing when most of know that exercise is a natural stress reducer and it makes us feel better. So why is it that when making our choices day in and day out that most of us put this one on the back burner? The answer may be that our self control is simply tapped.

Researchers are noting that self control is like a muscle where we only have so much strength in a day. With the stock market crashing, people losing their houses, bosses becoming more demanding, and toddler's screaming, at the end of the day, we have no self control left. The problem here is that exercise would help us deal with all these things more effectively. Sort of a catch 22.

So what do we need to do? Well, we don't need to start exercising right away, but we it would help to start buidling our self control muscles. In practicing mindfulness we're doing exactly this.

Try this: Schedule a few breathing spaces in your calendar during the day. If it's a web-based or electronic calendar, a reminder may pop up to take 3 minutes to stop what you're doing and just note your breath going in and out of your body. This helps calm our bodies, grounds us to the present moment, and builds the muscle of self control.

You can choose anything to control in a day to build this muscle; sit up straight at work, turn off the TV at dinner, just do something and remind yourself that you're practicing self control. When you feel this muscle is beginning to build, then slowly begin to integrate some exercise in there. It can be a slow walk around your neighborhood or going to the gym.

A workout buddy or trainer might be good support to get you started and keep you going, but in the end, the self control muscle is yours. You can think of some ideas for yourself or if you're doing the Mindfulness, Anxiety, and Stress Aliveguide, keep up with the practices and know you are building your self control muscle.

As always, feel free to comment or share your own stories. We can all learn from one another. (tip: you need to be signed in to comment below).

5 reasons we feel stress and what we can do about it!

Elisha Goldstein — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:13:00 GMT

When headline after headline are screaming financial crisis in our ears, it's pretty easy for our stress reactions to begin to unravel. Like a Zebra about to get attacked by a lion, our bodies tense up and fear begins to rise. What's the difference between humans and a Zebra. A brilliant imagination and complex mind that allows us to replay the danger in our mind all day and night leaving us with a constant stress reaction.

Robert Sapolsky, Stanford professor and author of Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers says

As humans, we get stressed when we feel like:

We have no control over what�s happening

We are not getting any predictive information

We have no outlets for frustration

We interpret things getting worse

We lack adequate social support

So, we can begin to mindfully reflect on the things we don't have control over and the things we do have control over. We can also take the news in chunks so we can see if there is any predictive information out there for us while realizing they are a corporation vying for your attention so what they're selling may be a bit amplified. We can cultivate a practice (e.g., start by using the Mindfulness, Anxiety, and Stress Aliveguide) to help with stress reduction. Not one thing is best for everyone, so try out exercise, play, and/or meditation. See what works best for you. Last but not least, make sure you are making social connections, in person, on the phone, or online. This is very important to your mental and physical health.

Anything I missed? You have plenty of wisdom on this topic, please feel free to share what works best for you so we can evolve as a community. (You need to be logged in to comment below).

Staying sane in an economic crisis!

Elisha Goldstein — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:05:00 GMT

Whoa...what a tumble we've witnessed lately. Between the stock market, the mortgage crisis, and rising inflation, it doesn't take much more to put us off balance on a daily basis. Our monkey minds start becoming activated and before we know it they are all over the place making the future look like a disaster...with an increasing snowball of worrying thoughts of an impending catastrophe. Well, it shouldn't come as a shocker that in the psychology world we call this type of thinking Catastrophizing.

Catastrophizing is a style of thinking that amplifies anxiety. This style of thinking expects disaster. We may be looking at a situation or challenge that is facing us and then automatically imagine the worst possible thing that could happen. The mind continues this with the what if's game. This is when our minds go on and on about what if this worst case scenario happens. Some of us may do more of this than others. In bringing mindfulness to this style of thinking we can notice when our minds are doing this and call it out. Actually say to yourself, Catastrophizing is happening right now, and then bring your attention to your breath for a few cycles. Catastrophizing does not help a situation, in other words it is not skillful to help us do the things that we want to be doing in any given moment. So let's become aware of it, ground ourselves to the present moment, and then choose the response we want. Also, take extra care of yourself during this time, this is a time of increased external stress making us more susceptible to internal stress. You may want to look at this past blog on Soothing Your Senses. As always, we all hold wisdom as to what is helpful during these difficult times. Feel free to share below (you need to be signed in to do this). If you are a part of the Mindfulness, Anxiety, and Stress Aliveguide I look forward to integrating these concepts with you in the forum attached to the Guide.