elishagoldstein, a blog by Elisha Goldstein

You're angry, they're angry, now what?

You're angry, they're angry, now what? The highly respected Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh has some good words for this in his book Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames.

His basic message is this:

When we are angry, it is very clear in that moment that we are suffering. But what is not that clear to us is that the other person's anger means that they are suffering as well. What we more often do is see them as the oppressor which makes our anger boil even more. Therefore it is really helpful to be able to understand that they are suffering in the moment to which lends us to behave more compassionately. This is often really helpful in not only stopping the escalation of anger, but also opens our hearts to feeling compassion which is an emotion that is connected to well-being.

Try: Think of a person who you are angry with or have difficulty with. If it is extreme anger, try and choose someone a little less triggering. Think about all the reasons you are angry with them. Think about what makes this person happy and what also makes this person suffer in their day to day life. Try and put yourself in their shoes and see what reason they have for being angry. Consider whether they are acting from a place of prejudice or narrow-mindedness. Consider whether the person is aware of or a master of their own thoughts and emotions or whether they often act from a place of auto-pilot. Consider again how they must be suffering. Do this until you feel compassion beginning to bud inside of you. Having compassion for someone does not mean you think what they are doing is right or skillful, but it releases the anger from you.

Published Jul 10 2008, 09:59 AM by Elisha Goldstein

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Comments

 

LaurieW said:

I've never thought of handling anger this way before - it's certainly an eye-opener. Your technique can be used in so many different ways, not just as a way to deal with anger but with other negative emotions as well. Thanks for your post; you've made a difference.

July 15, 2008 4:12 AM
 

tnavarra said:

I have trouble with anger. When I feel it, I really feel it and don't want to. I feel like I let things boil until I explode. It's hard for me to feel compassion toward someone who has wronged me. Isn't there a point where you shouldn't have to put up with bad treatment from others? Sometimes you need to stand up to that person. Unfortunately, anger is often combined with anxiety for me. I feel both. I feel anxious because i don't think I should be angry. In a nutshell, it's complicated.

Any thoughts/ideas are welcome.

July 15, 2008 1:00 PM
 

friend08 said:

I love this exercise....it helps for "on the spot" practice when I am really about to go with a story line about some trigger for anger.  Anger can be a scary event for a lot of us who were conditioned to view it as "bad".  What we do with it is certainly more important, I think...transmuting it into compassion is a goal for me.   Pema Chodron has some interesting thoughts about "idiot compassion"... when I think of having compassion for others, it does not mean it has to be at my own expense, but that is a lesson in progress for me:)

July 15, 2008 4:13 PM
 

Elisha Goldstein said:

I'm glad you brought up "idiot compassion". For those who don't know, this is a term coined by Trungpa Rinpoche and means trying to have compassion for someone because 'you' can't bear to see them suffering. So in essence, you are trying to have compassion to get rid of your own suffering. In doing this you may actually be enabling their behavior as they continue to hurt themselves and potentially you. This touches on Tnavarra's point of setting boundaries when someone is treating you bad. Yes, this is very important. Even while recognizing their suffering, sometimes it is the true compassionate thing to do set boundaries so they recognize that what they are doing is not Ok with you and this may help lead them on a path toward more healthy behavior.

this is a lesson in progress for us all :)

July 17, 2008 11:42 AM

About Elisha Goldstein

Elisha is a practicing Psychologist teaching mindfulness workshops and seminars at multiple organizations across California. He is a Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction (MBSR) teacher, published author, and speaker, including the Mindfulness and Psychotherapy Conference at UCLA headlining Thich Nhat Hanh, Jack Kornfield, and Daniel Siegel. You can check out his CDs on Mindful Solutions for Stress, Anxiety and Depression and Mindful Solutions for Addiction and Relapse Prevention at http://www.drsgoldstein.com .